I'm Bad at Praying.

Hi folks!

I’ve got a little brain train action going on for you today. I hope you’ll take the time to read it.

Often times, I’ll find myself in a situation that desperately needs prayer over it. I can see the need, like for sirens passing by or someone on the internet asking for prayers, and I’ll want to pray, but I can’t. I’m just being honest here—I want to make this blog an open area to be real and raw and honest because I want people to know that Christians aren’t perfect. I desperately want to be seen as imperfect. Obviously, that’s seriously different than I used to be, but that’s because I’m trying to combat my old ideals with new ones. For more on that, refer to my blog post “Finding Identity.” Anyways, let’s back to being open and honest.

I’m a pretty bad prayer—well, not necessarily bad, but I find I struggle a lot with finding the right words to say without sounding super cliché. Anyone who knows me pretty well, too, knows I strongly dislike using clichés. It’s hard not to just ask God “please just cover them and give them wisdom and guidance and peace….” yadda yadda yadda. All of those things are good things to say, but I personally get tired of saying the same thing for every prayer. The problem is when I try to make the prayers original. I’ve got a few theories on why I’m struggling.

The first theory is a little basic. I get tongue-tied! Especially when I’m praying in/for a group, I get nervous that I’ll be judged on what I’m saying! I know that’s definitely a wrong assumption in my head, but there’s a saying I live by—“There’s a difference between knowing in your mind and believing in your heart.” That’s something I’m constantly having to check myself with. I tend to be a pretty emotional person when reacting to things and I let my anxiety and depression get in the way of believing what I know to be true. Regardless of what my heart is telling me to believe, I know for a fact no one is going to judge me on my prayer. The only reason they might judge me is that I usually start off prayers by going “Hey God…” very casually. It usually gets a laugh, but I genuinely mean it sincerely. We’re taught to treat Jesus like our best friend as well as the one we turn to for everything, so why wouldn’t I just be direct with God?

Going off this, another reason I get tongue-tied while praying is when I find myself trying to manipulate the words I’m saying to sound better than what’s actually coming out of my mouth. It’s especially bad when I’m praying by myself in my mind, and I’ll have full, thought-out requests in my prayers, but then I’ll have a side thought that, maybe, I shouldn’t be thinking in the middle of praying, and it’ll change my request’s original intent. The thing that makes me tongue-tied in this scenario, though, is that I’ll have a convicting moment of remembrance—God already knows everything I’m thinking. Everything! So, yes, I’ll try to manipulate my thoughts to sound better, but that doesn’t change the thoughts… I’ll catch myself and just apologize to God for not being myself around Him. He likes me as myself! He made me this way, so why wouldn’t He want to see me as a raw, honest human who just loves Him? That’s also another reason why I want this blog to be open and honest. Anyway, moving on.

Usually when I’m praying, I want to personalize what I’m saying to the situation at hand. This comes into play a lot when I say I really don’t like clichés. (I’m also trying to stop saying I “hate” things…. Can you tell? Is it working? I’m trying to be better. Sorry for the brain sidetrack. Keep reading.) Whenever I’m praying over someone, I always end up saying something to the effect of “Please just remind (name) how much you love them, Lord. Keep them surrounded by you and give them peace, guidance, and wisdom for how to handle (certain situation). I pray that you remind them constantly to trust in you and your amazing power, that you can take care of them, no matter how scary this situation is. Please watch over them and keep them under your cover. Thank you.”

That’s the generic Heather prayer, and often times, I’ll come out of prayer thinking, that’s the same prayer I prayed over that other person yesterday, and I’ll feel really down on myself because I desperately want to be good at prayer, enough that I’ll be able to directly talk about whatever’s going on with the person/situation. The thing is,though, my memory sucks. I’ll genuinely be listening to what this person is saying to me, and I’ll be interested and concerned and very willing to pray over them, but when it gets to the actual prayer, I totally forget everything. I become so consumed with making the prayer sound good (like I said earlier, I know that’s a problem and I’m trying to work on it) that I’ll forget everything they talked about until after I say “Amen.” How crazy is that??? I partially contribute this problem to my two past concussions. I used to have a fantastic memory, but now it’s all deteriorating… Great haha. Anyway, it’s just an overall struggle for me to remember things until after the prayer is over, so if I ever pray over you, just know ahead of time that I’ll most likely forget during the prayer, pray over your emotions for the time being, and pray about the situation’s specifics later. As an introvert, too, I find it much easier to process all my thoughts when I’m alone anyway, which is why, I think, I can type a blog post out so quickly. It’s much easier to understand my own brain when I’ve had time to process things over in my mind, instead of just immediately reacting to something. I promise, I give great insight, but you’ll have to wait a couple days for me to think about it before I give you any real, solid advice. Moving on!

I think the last main problem I find when I’m trying to pray, and especially when I’m trying to avoid clichés, is when I simply don’t know what to say. I have a very strong faith in God, regardless if others know much about it. There’s not a doubt in my mind that He does everything in His own time for His own reason, and that whatever happens, this situation at hand that I’m supposed to be praying about is happening for a reason. I’ve had so many things happen to me in my life just proving how wonderfully manipulative God is with His plans, making everything work out for the better, that I genuinely am rarely truly worried about anything. I know that makes me sound kind of heartless. Even just saying it in my mind as I’m writing it, I’m assuming I’m making it sound to you like I don’t care about any of what’s going on that you’re asking prayer for. That’s totally wrong! I care so much about all this, but sometimes, honestly, it’s difficult for me to connect with situations, because my viewpoint is always on the future and how this one moment in time is going to affect/work with God’s plan for your life. It’s not “destiny” or “fate,” but God’s definitely going to be the one, ultimately, in control of your life…when you trust Him—at least that’s how my life is.

This is where the honesty is peaking from me; it’s hard for me to sympathize with people sometimes, because I have such strong faith that it’ll all work out just fine, and for the better…..Wow, that really sounds like I’m humble bragging. I’m not trying to! I’m sorry! It’s just how I think and since this blog is so open, I’m kind of just free writing, without editing, because this is the only space I don’t need to edit myself and my thoughts. But anyway, it’s just hard for me to pray sometimes because I’ll pray about it from my perspective, and I’ll say something like “God I know you’re going to use this situation for your purpose in (person’s) life, so please keep reminding them of that and that you’ll keep them safe regardless.” See what I mean? I’ll say it from my point of view and it can become difficult for me to also include what they’ve just explained to me in our conversation before the prayer, going back to the forgetfulness…I’m trying to work on this.

I’m trying to work on all of these problems, really. Desperately, even. As a youth group small group leader, I know people look up to me for guidance and prayer over them, but sometimes I can feel like I can sound like a fraud while I’m praying! Even when I’m deep into it! Even when I’m desperately crying out to God on behalf of others, or on behalf of myself even, I’ll end up using a ton of clichés, forgetting things, the whole nine, and I feel bad because I know these people I’m praying over deserve better than that!

You know what’s great about this whole thing, though? God doesn’t care. He doesn’t care how you pray, He just cares that you are praying. As long as you’re reaching out to Him, you’re fine! That’s something I have to keep reminding myself, and praying about, ironically. I pray that God will take away my insecurities about praying. I guess this could all partially be rooted in the whole “trying to be the perfect pastor’s kid” mentality that I’m so desperately trying to shake. The only thing that matters is that I’m talking to God openly and honestly, because the Lord already knows I’m a wreck, and He loves me anyway. So with all this, I hope you’ll take from this super long mind spiral, that God doesn’t care if you’re “bad” at praying. He likes you just the way you are. Another thing I have to remind myself, is that the prayer is going to “work” regardless if the person I’m praying over thinks I’m a fraud. If I’m genuinely approaching God in reverence and worship, it doesn’t matter what someone else thinks of my prayer “skills.” I’m still praying, and that’s the whole point.

So please, dear reader, pray for my prayers. That’s ironic, but I ask you earnestly, please pray that I’ll lose my fear of praying “incorrectly,” and as I know many people share these fears, I’ll pray for you as well. As long as you know that I’m genuine in my prayers and you can look past my accidental clichés and temporary forgetfulness, I would love it if you would come to me asking for prayer so I can love on you and pray over you as a fellow child of God. I love you and I’d love to pray with you and get a cup of coffee (or tea or whatever haha) so I could help you with your own walk with Christ as well. Thanks for reading this far if you did, and I urge you now to remember this: If you’re genuine and humble before Him, God doesn’t care what your prayers sound like. He loves you no matter what.

Love,

Noelle

1 John 5:14

“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.”

(That means no matter how we say it! Haha)