Finding Identity

Heather Noelle Plastow
Aug 9, 2017
13 min read

Hey Folks! I told you you'd hear from me again! This is the original, long, drawn-out testimony (with a few edits so it's easier to understand from an outside perspective) that I couldn't use tonight! I'm presenting my testimony along with three friends and their stories, tonight at youth group! Unfortunately, because a lot of us are speaking, I was only allotted a 6-minute time slot to fill with the absolute, most important information of my story. All of the real details are in this version, so I'm sharing it on the blog! This is for anyone who really wants to know my story, in depth. Beware--it's super long! I probably could write multiple testimonies out of it, but let's keep it all in one story for now, shall we? Enjoy reading! I'm happy to answer any questions you might have after reading it. Just let me know! thanks!

Love, Noelle. :)

(Or Heather, as you're about to find out. I like writing under my middle name, because it sounds fancier and more sophisticated, but that's not who I truly am haha.)

Hey! I’m Heather. Originally, I thought I had a “normal” testimony, but, after writing all of this out, I’ve realized, I have much more of a story than I thought. I actually, kind of have multiple. The nice thing is, I know most people are going to relate to at least one part of my story. What’s awesome is the fact, that as long as God’s using you with your story, which He is, than you’ve got a story worth sharing.

You know this line-- I grew up Christian. It’s how a lot of testimonies start. I accepted Christ when I was five years old, but I never really knew what that meant until much later. I was a pastor’s kid, though, so I always felt the severe pressure to be perfect. I was afraid that if I wasn’t a good, presentable kid, then my dad would earn a bad reputation and might lose his job. That stress loomed over all my life until February of 2017, but I’ll get to that part later.

I lived in Sacramento, CA until I was 10; we moved to Greeley, CO right before 6th grade. Before then, I had a couple things happen. I discovered my scoliosis, meaning my spine is crooked, when I was six, and I’ve been battling that ever since. If you ever see me stretching or looking like I’m in pain, you now know why. I had also been bullied a decent amount in elementary school, too-- mostly because of my scoliosis and the treatments I was put through because of it. Anyways, let’s move on to a more relevant piece of my story.

Moving to Greeley was the most traumatic thing to happen in my life, or, at least at the time I thought so. My dad was leaving a pastoral position in California when a new pastor came on and basically encouraged him to quit--it really took a toll on our family. From that, I was the new kid, and it sucked. I went from being really bold and outgoing to a scared little dweeb who was afraid of everyone. I got bullied even more in middle school, worse and worse. The kids treated me horribly, because a new kid didn’t really fit well with the already-formed cliques. I will say though--God has a reason for everything, and I don’t mean that as a blow-off cliche. Just listen.

Just as a side note, I rededicated my life to Christ during the CONE Camp, a summer camp my youth group goes to every summer, right before 8th grade. For a pastor’s kid, that moment is what you consider to actually be the beginning to your walk with Christ. I finally understood what it meant to be a Christian.

Once I made it out of middle school and transferred to a new high school, my life changed drastically and immediately. The bullying of mine disappeared with a new school and my little dweeb self transformed into who I am today. Honestly, outside of my Godly experiences, my high school arts teachers are what taught me the most about who I am and what I want to become. I’m incredibly grateful. Anyways, let’s get a little outline of the high school experiences that changed my life the most. Here’s where the multiple testimonies thing comes into play.

Freshman year- The new kid wanted to be accepted. The new kid caught a senior boy’s eye. That senior boy was toxic and awful and the opposite of a Christian. He also was already in a relationship while eyeing the freshman who was almost 5 years younger than him. I got in a tiny mess with him. Luckily, nothing serious ever happened, but it ruined my perspective on dating for a really long time. Obviously, that’s not the case now. Believe me, freshman, If a senior ever wants to date you, don’t do it. Don’t. They only want one thing, and it’s not good. I also dealt with watching my best friend fight anorexia everyday in freshman year. It’s awful. Our friendship mostly disappeared because of it, but it taught me a lot about what a valuable, good friendship is all about, because I realized how toxic she had become to me.

Sophomore year- My grades got destroyed by a teacher who literally, not figuratively, bullied me every day in class and made me cry every day of finals week because of the personal, verbal attacks she threw at me. The top-of-the-class student suddenly had all of her grades drop because she had lost all confidence in herself. It’s been a struggle to grow that confidence back. I’m still working on it in terms of academics.

Junior year-- where my most important testimony starts getting some backstory. In the second semester of Junior year, my grandma died….then my grandpa a month later…..then my dog a month after that. You could probably assume how difficult that was for me to deal with. The only difference from the usual grief, though, was my pastor’s kid position. This was also around the time the church started going through many transitions for the future. It put more stress on my household, for sure, so we were walking with a lot of uncertainty for a while. It’s almost impossible to describe how many, identically-worded, “I’m praying for you,” “Let me know if you need ANYTHING,” “I’m here if you need to talk,”--type consolations I heard everyday. I’m pretty sure this is where I started to become an introvert, and realize how much I despise small talk.

I want you to know that when I was taking notes in my journal to write this testimony, the first 16 years of my life only took up 5 pages, and from only junior year on, I used 6 pages. This past year and a half have truly been the most transformative months of my life.

CONE Camp 2016, before my senior year, was when I started to realize God was/is going to use me for good. On Thursday night, I discovered I have the gift of prophecy through a speech I participated in after fighting a spiritual war that night. FYI-- God was victorious that night. It was amazing. For those who are unsure of what I mean, the gift of prophecy, in my case, is not seeing the future. Basically, it’s being able to hear God’s voice in times it’s necessary that He show up, and delivering it to the people He needs to talk to.

Let’s move on to senior year: the year that truly changed my life in every way imaginable. Let’s focus on the important parts, though. I finally realized the difference in toxic friends vs best friends you consider as family. I had to have another friendship kind of blow up in my face to show me, but in the end, I’m really grateful for that experience. My family was still under a ton of stress with new transitions in the church, besides that, and my scoliosis flared up again, leaving me with the possibility of surgery…. Just normal things like that. Normal for me, anyway.

Skip ahead to February 2017, where my life exploded and imploded at the same time. My dad lost his job in February. My family had been worried that’d be the case ever since all of the transitions started happening at the church. How does that affect me--besides the already assumed lack of income? My entire personal identity was “Pastor’s Kid.” Because of my pressure of perfection from early years, all of my morals, decisions and beliefs were tied to that title. Without that pressure, all of my actions and decisions were unmotivated. With no title anymore, I no longer knew how to be my own person. I realized, I never had an identity of my own-- not even at school where no one knew I was a PK. My identity was tied to other people there. I was So-and-so’s best friend. I was So-and-so’s assistant. I was So-and-so’s daughter. No one ever really knew me for myself. My identity was truly an association to someone else, no matter where I went.

Because of this realization, I went into a deep, undiagnosed but probably should’ve been diagnosed, depression. For a month and a half, I didn’t talk to anyone if it wasn’t necessary. I didn’t use social media, I didn’t talk to anyone, and worst of all, I stopped going to church. I didn’t want to hear any more consolations like I heard the year before, so I stayed in my personal bubble. I felt out of place anywhere I went, but especially at church. Because my identity was so tied to my dad, I myself felt rejected when I stepped into the building. The only things I felt value in anymore were the squad, my absolute best friends, who I know were seriously concerned for me at the time, and God.

Fortunately, through this entire process, I never got angry at God, because I knew God was going to use these experiences for a reason. He always has a reason. I did, however, get angry with the church. Not specifically “my” church, but with the Church of Christ, with every church. I was frustrated because I knew that in every situation my family has gone through with the church giving us severe stress, it wasn’t my family’s fault. I was mad that we kept getting our lives screwed over when we weren’t doing anything to cause it.

For six months, I had no identity. That’s right, I was wandering through life with no purpose, because I no longer knew who I was. I was a blank canvas and I didn’t know how to paint myself-- if you like metaphors, like me that hopefully makes sense to you. It all changed, however, on the Sunday before CONE Camp this year.

I had been praying for a long time, now, that I would find myself, get into a “normal” lifestyle again, and most importantly, forgive and let go of my grudge against the church. I was desperate to get back into a Christian fellowship that I truly felt accepted in again. It just so happens that my new life now is in the same spot I saw my life fall apart in. I walked into church that Sunday morning, originally only because I needed to give some things to people, but I ended up staying because I suddenly didn’t feel uncomfortable anymore. I didn’t feel at home, necessarily, but my prayer had been answered. I had finally forgiven the church, subconsciously. It felt like a new church, and it felt okay for me to be there. I knew God was behind all of this, and I was extremely grateful.

I know, now, that God let me forgive at that moment, because He needed me in good shape to use me at camp. I think one of the coolest parts of my experience at camp was when I got to use my prophecy gift. Throughout the week, God kept showing me different Bible verses to keep in mind, and when the time came, I knew exactly which ones to use in different situations to help people. The most important one He sent, for my life anyway, was 2 Timothy 3:12-17, because it described exactly what my life was like and where He needed it to go to serve Him better. It says:

“In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted, while evildoers and impostors will go from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived. But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it, and how from infancy you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

Let me know if you'd like me to later go into depth about why that relates to my story, because, honestly, there’s not a phrase in there that isn’t relevant to my life.

Tuesday night of camp, the night my life finally changed for Christ. To make a long story short, I found my identity again that night. After having my identity tied to others for so long, I didn’t know how to be my own person. What I learned Tuesday night, however, was that you’re not necessarily supposed to be your own person. I was being so independent for those 6 months that it never occurred to me...My identity shouldn’t be my own. It should be God’s. I decided that night to totally reinvent myself and make everything I do for God’s glory. I’ve “tried” doing that all my life, but it was always a surface level promise. True outward change comes from a difference in the heart. When my identity was tied to other people, my actions and my heart weren’t tied to God. I decided Tuesday night, that my new title would be “Activist for Christ,” as opposed to “Pastor’s Kid.” I’m actually thinking about getting a tattoo with my new title on it... Because of this, I realized I finally had a day I considered to be my spiritual birthday, July 25th, as opposed to the day I rededicated my life. I finally felt like a new creation, when before, my life had never changed after the rededication. Now, I’m definitely changed.

The day after I found my identity is a day I’ll remember just as well. After becoming an activist for Christ, I finally completed the biggest bucket list item I had on my list. I led someone to Christ, personally. I sat down with them, said the prayer, made sure they knew what they were getting themselves into, all that jazz. Of course, it’s their story to tell, so I won’t name names, but on my side of the story, this just proved to me how amazing God is and how useful you can become when you give yourself to Him. Literally the day after I decided to be an activist, I was already being an activist, like I had promised. I sent one more life to Heaven for eternity, just like we’re all called to do. God is amazing.

The rest of the week I continued to let God use me, and He did just that, especially with more of the prophecy stuff. On the last night, we all got anointed and prayed for by the camp leaders. It was wonderful. I finally felt all the stress from the loneliness, the identity crisis, the stress over my family, everything, just wash away. Of course, because of that, I had to start stress-relief-crying. I have this thing where after all of my stress from a specific event is no longer necessary, my body just shuts down all ability to hold in tears. It’s like a dam has been collecting water ever since the stress started, and now it’s finally releasing it. Well, with everything that happened, it’s no surprise to hear I couldn’t stop crying for two hours.

After I got out of the line of anointment, an amazing thing happened. I felt this urge to start praying for people, too, because many of the kids coming out of the line, I knew, still had a lot to be worked on in their lives. During the entire week, I had been calling myself a “counselor in training,” because technically I had already graduated, but I had cheated my way into being a camper one last year. I plan on being a counselor next year, though, so I wanted to get to work early. While I was praying with people, I realized the squad, my best friends, all started doing the same. I can’t tell you how extremely proud I am of all of my friends. We’ve all been called to ministry in some way, and there’s a LOT of us, so whenever we start working with God, you KNOW He’s going to do great things in that moment. I love my friends so much, and I’m so excited to see where our lives end up. Ever since camp, I definitely feel God’s working in me, even after 2 ½ weeks. I know this passion in me is only going to grow, and grow in my friends as well, and I’m so excited for it.

The cool reflection on this story, for me, is this. The girls presenting our stories in youth group (on August 9th, 2017) had been wanting to say our testimonies the week before camp, to flow better with the guys’ stories that had come the week before, but we were pushed back to now. I know now--our testimonies were postponed because they weren’t finished yet. We had to wait until after camp because God knew camp was going to change us. That’s how I know God is at work.

Here’s what I want to make very very clear-- the biggest points I’ve learned through all of this, and what I want you guys to take out of my story.

GOD HAS A REASON FOR EVERYTHING. Everything. There are about a million important reasons I ended up in Greeley. It was definitely the last place I wanted be at that moment, but I’m so grateful I’m here, now.
WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU IS NOT WHO YOU ARE. Your past is not the present, nor the future. I’m no longer dictated by the restraints I believed were put on me from being a “perfect” pastor’s kid.
IT’S OKAY TO BE IMPERFECT. I had to learn the hard way. I’m simply a Christian, as opposed to a “perfect” pastor’s kid, saved by holy grace, because, yes, I sin. That’s ok.
GOD WILL BE WITH YOU NO MATTER WHAT. Believe me. That’s the only reason I didn’t become suicidal during my identity-less 6 months. Without him, I didn’t really have much to live for.
IF GOD CAN FORGIVE, SO CAN YOU, WITH HIS HELP. When I forgave the church, that’s when my life started to change. It was incredibly hard, but it needed to happen so I could start healing.
GOD USES EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING. If you’re broken, if you’re young, no matter what. I was both, and God proved that to me during camp this year.
YOU NEED TO MAKE GOD YOUR IDENTITY. Everything will fall into place no matter what after that. It’s better to let Him control your life, than running it haphazardly on your own. Believe me, I tried.